LOVING YOUR CHILD THROUGH A TANTRUM

Nothing unsettles a parent more than the sound of their child crying. Most of us at some point have rushed to meet their demands however unreasonable, shushed them, distracted them, told them not to cry, changed the subject or talked them out of their feelings. Unfortunately however, none of these methods meet the child's needs, help them through their feelings, or teach them lessons in emotional regulation, adaptability or build resilience. In fact, they do the opposite: they shut feelings down, and send the message that there's something wrong with feeling negative emotions. But negative emotions such as disappointment, sadness, frustration, anger, etc. are part of life's experiences and are inevitable. We don't recover from such emotions by pretending they don't exist, or tucking them away. We recover by acknowledging them, welcoming them, getting comfortable with them and experiencing them, until they naturally pass out of our system. The more we let ourselves experience such feelings, the easier/faster we bounce back and develop resilience. Kids seem to know this innately -- when they feel even a little upset, they cry and process it right out. This is why, when we interrupt/stop their crying, we halt the HEALING, and end up getting them to stuff the hurt instead of release it.

All feelings serve a purpose. Let's for instance think about what would happen if we didn't let ourselves feel guilt. Would we make amends, and become better people? What if we never felt fear? Would we keep ourselves safe? What about anger? Would we understand what's causing it, how to resolve whatever unmet need or defend ourselves against say a toxic person? This is not to say we should lash out at others when we're angry. But in order to be able to meet our own needs and set boundaries (constructively) against negative influences, we need to acknowledge our anger/discomfort first.

When we let ourselves feel only the rosy emotions and blind ourselves to the difficult ones, we end up with a skewed perception of things. The closer we are to the truth, the more we'd be able to help ourselves to a better place, and the happier and more fulfilled we'd be. True positivity comes from accepting, and finding a way through how we TRULY feel.

What do you do when your child has a tantrum?

You:

- Remember that a tantrum doesn't mean that you're a bad parent or that your child is a bad child; tantrums are part of growing up and feelings make us human,

- TRUST that your child is doing important emotional work that will release her difficult feelings and get her to the other side, and

- LISTEN: empathize, acknowledge, welcome her upsets, offer your warm presence

What matters MORE than what you say/do during a tantrum is how you're feeling WITHIN, because nonverbal messages speak louder than words. You hence cannot listen to your child's feelings if you're not feeling regulated. If the tantrum triggers you, walk away and come back when you're calmer. And repeat when you start to feel triggered again. With practice, this will get easier.

Also keep in mind that the INTENT of empathy is NOT to:

- 'calm' your child

- stop the crying/tantrum

- drive those feelings away

It is to:

- SUPPORT and be there for your child when she's going through a hard time

- ENCOURAGE your child to offload her feelings

- ANCHOR your child all the way through to the other side

- offer your calm to help her co-regulate

You can also kindle your empathy by saying your intent out loud: "I love you too much to leave you alone with those feelings", "You're a good kid going through a hard time", "I care and WANT to understand you". While saying these words, if you start to feel calmer or find yourself softening, then that's empathy flowing beautifully. (Remember to keep your sentences short. You want to LISTEN more than talk.) 

If however these words make you cry, walk away. Why it's best NOT to cry when your child has a tantrum:

- you distract her from her emotions to yours

- your child doesn't deserve the added burden of your feelings when she's going through a hard time

- you cannot help your child co-regulate when you're not regulated yourself

- your child is looking to YOU to gauge how hard the situation is -- if you cry, she gets the sense that things are harder than they really are

- as far as possible, kids need us to be their ROCK; they need us to be strong and weather their storms and pushbacks -- this is not to say that you should pretend to be strong when you don't feel strong, rather to find a way to get yourself into a self-assured, helpful position so you can bring it authentically.

Some off incidents are okay and show our kids that we are human, have feelings too and aren't perfect.

We often get asked the question: if our kids don't see us cry enough, how will they learn compassion and empathy? Compassion is a NATURAL human value, and doesn't have to be taught. And kids learn empathy by RECEIVING it, not from watching us cry.

After your child's tantrum, resist the urge to blame, shame or suggest what else she could have done 'instead of crying'. This will unfold naturally as she starts to get more mature, emotionally aware and adaptable.

What do you do when your child doesn't want to hug or asks you to go away during a tantrum?

Can you remember a time when you yelled at a loved one to go away, but really just wanted them to stay? That's how your child feels. However, respect her space -- don't crowd her or force hugs. You can sit with your back to her (although not if she tends to be aggressive), wait outside her room, or even leave after assuring her that you'd be back, and come back as promised.

What do you do when your child is aggressive during a tantrum?

Hold her hands to block her, and say "I know you don't want to hit me. I'm here to help you stop." and wait for her tears. If she continues to be aggressive, retreat to a safe distance but remain close while she works through her feelings.

"But the rest of the world doesn't comfort you when you cry..."

Yes, but you're not the 'rest of the world'. You're much closer. You're someone you want your child to come to when she isn't feeling okay. And we all need that secure connection with atleast one person to be able to cope with the harshness that life throws at us. Let's also not forget that kids grow to treat/comfort themselves the way WE treat/comfort them. By the time your child is ready to step out into the world, she'd have acquired thanks to you, the skills to help and comfort not just herself but also others.

Archana Balakrishnan