Gentle Parenting

Being a sensory-avoider myself, I understand more than most how overwhelming it can be to be around a child that screams a lot. As with anything parenting, if we go with the goal of cuing in to a child's perspective (rather than with the one-sided goal of nipping/modifying behavior), we'd find it much easier to respond in a way that's not only gentle but also helpful and effective. Let's take a look at some of the reasons little ones scream: 1. It's the best/easiest/only way to get our attention. As adults, we tend to tune our kids out a lot, whether it's when they're repeatedly calling our name, telling us a story, showing us something, or needing us a lot of the time. When they scream however, they instantly have our full attention. The solution hence is to change this dynamic. Respond to your child the FIRST time she calls you. Responding could mean answering her question, tending to her request or even communicating that you will get back to her in a lit...

  We all sometimes get the urge to distract our kids from their feelings and behavior, and it's understandable why: it's convenient, an easy way out of a difficult situation, and we can move on as if nothing happened. However, as Pam Leo said, "Crying is the healing, not the hurting." Tears are powerful ways of getting difficult feelings up and out of our system, so we can move to a lighter and happier state of mind, return to seeing things through clear lenses, and with clean, fresh and undiluted mindsets. When we distract, we get kids to push their feelings back in. Unresolved feelings hog mental bandwidth (that can instead be channeled towards playing, learning, adapting and living), create "blind spots" (biases in thinking) and convert to triggers and repressed emotions that spill out in unhealthy ways. Have you had a meltdown that came out of 'nowhere'? Disliked someone for 'no reason'? That's all from the unprocessed gunk in your ...

  Why Rewards Do More Harm Than Good : 1. It drains a child's intrinsic motivation. We want our kids to do the right thing for the right reasons, not for hope for a reward or fear of punishment. 2. Children ARE good people. We don't have to bribe, threaten or manipulate them to turn them into good people. When they don't behave in expected ways, it's because there's something in the 'way'. As parents, we're responsible for clearing the way so they can return to their goodness. 3. Behavior is a language. When you rush to fix just the behavior, you don't uncover the CAUSE of the behavior which is either an unmet need or an undeveloped skill. What you instead end up doing is shutting down a channel (sometimes a child's only channel) of communication. 4. It's a form of coercive control that carries the message that a parent's love/approval comes with conditions. 5. Every time your goal is compliance instead of COOPERATION, you're in a sta...

When in ANY challenging situation with your child, let your default parenting response be to LISTEN (instead of trying to find a way to get your child to listen). Did you know Gentle Parenting is eighty percent LISTENING?  When your child cries, LISTEN to the feelings.  When your child screams 'I hate you', LISTEN to the upset.  When your child back-talks, LISTEN to the grievance.  When your child is being difficult, 'LISTEN' for unmet needs.  It's easier for your child to access her intrinsic goodness and the values that are modeled when she feels HEARD and connected, and when the stumbling blocks (anger, hard feelings) are out of the way.  It's only by listening will you know why your child is upset, how to resolve her needs and help her with her feelings (and hence behavior).  Save your words so they have the most impact.  What is listening?   1. Paying attention to what's being communicated (or not)  2. Welcoming feelings ...

When most of us start off as parents, we want CONTROL over our children. We want to be able to say something to our kids and just have them listen without complaint. We forget that they're their own people with their own developing minds and individualities, don't see things the way we do, and are entitled to their own opinions just as much as we're entitled to ours. They don't have the maturity or perspective to absorb/apply reason, care for consequences or understand why it's not okay to have another cookie or five more minutes in the park. They also lack the neurological makeup to control their impulses, regulate their emotions and adapt to not getting their way. When we so quickly pin them with a judgement of stubborn, we overlook the real reasons why they aren't ABLE to cooperate in the moment, and miss crucial opportunities to connect, see their side of things, understand their needs and empathize with their struggles. This doesn't mean we should alway...

One of the hardest things that I've dealt with as a parent is staying calm during the times my daughter was aggressive. It often activated my fight-flight-freeze and I struggled for a long time to nail the Gentle Parenting response. But once I did, she came over her aggression (almost instantly). Here's why harsh methods of discipline are not recommended in Gentle Parenting: - we cannot teach kids to behave better than we do. - fear-driven methods don't set up your child to do the right thing when your back is turned. - such methods drive up a child's anxiety which in turn feeds the dysregulation and makes behavior worse. - a child that's made to feel like a bad kid will ACT like a bad kid. - calling too much attention to ANY behavior will only give it more power. - such methods don't meet needs or teach skills required to do/behave better. Understanding aggression When a child hits, it's important to remember that: - she isn't a bully - she isn't a ...