Is Praise Helpful?

Praise is OKAY and helpful as long as:

1. It's TIMED well.

It isn't rushed and allows room for a child to first revel in her own sense of accomplishment -- as this is what builds intrinsic motivation.

Intrinsic motivation is the inclination to participate in an activity for its inherent enjoyment, instead of for a reward, or someone's approval. Intrinsic motivation is as natural to us as breathing is. It's how we learn to crawl, walk, and talk. We can easily steer a child from their own sense of triumph when we rush in to praise.

2. It's AUTHENTIC.

It is true, comes from a delight in your child, and is given FREELY without any expectation of return. On the other hand, if the goal is to elicit more of the desired behavior, it isn't praise; it's manipulation. 

3. It's for the EFFORT and not the outcome. 

Why:

- Praise based on outcome is conditional.

If we'd only praise for a 'good'/expected outcome (and hold back praise otherwise), we convey to our child that we love/approve of them more when they act a certain way, and love/approve of them less when they don't. That sets them up to work harder for our approval, rather than out of interest/motivation/self-discipline.

- Praise for outcome doesn't promote a growth mindset: a 'bad' outcome isn't a failing, and a 'good' outcome doesn't have to be final. When we draw focus to the effort on the other hand, we convey that practice leads to progress, and there's no limit to progress.

- When we fixate on the outcome, we miss a whole lot about the child, and their JOURNEY: their strengths, enjoyment, interests, setbacks, and weak spots. We may hence lose crucial opportunities to revel in them, or help them through their struggles.

- It says a lot about where our focus is -- is it the uniqueness that is our child, or is it some idea of an end result? Is our goal their happiness, or some arbitrary measure of success?

When a child's interests and motivation are intact, effort will follow naturally, and success (happiness/excellence) is an assured bonus.

4. It's specific.

'Nice', 'Good Job', etc. aren't meaningful; they don't tell a child anything other than that we approve of their work, and don't reflect our interest/engagement in our child. Such labels set them up to work towards that stamp of approval instead of towards progress, or out of their own interests and inclinations. 

Besides, who made us the judges of how 'nice' and 'beautiful' something looks? Should kids learn to believe in and be driven by OUR judgements? Instead, encouraging them to heed and follow their OWN cues would foster self-reflection and self-direction which are KEY to excellence. 

When our praise is along the lines of "I like your choice of colors" "I noticed how you were enjoying the music", or better yet "Who's this little boy that you've drawn?" we'd not only be SINCERE but also PRESENT and attentive.

5. It's part of our UNCONDITIONAL approval. 

For instance, when our child does their homework, we could say "Look at you working so hard"; when they don't, we could say "Oh, you're not in the mood now. How can I help?" Kids need us to see them either way, not just when they behave to our liking.

Unconditional praise is along the lines of "I see you here and now." When a child can REST in the SAFETY of a parent's unconditional approval, she'd have more bandwidth and resources to pursue her inclinations and realize her fullest potential.

I've been reading about praise for years, and I still catch myself saying "Good Job" sometimes, and it's annoying to have to shift it. As with anything 'Gentle Parenting', I've found it's essential to work from the 'inside out': start with how you're feeling within and your parenting intention. Learn to beam at and discover your child, cue in more to her process and see her in the PRESENT rather than as a future somebody, and the right words will flow naturally.

Archana Balakrishnan