Why we should stop calling our kids 'stubborn'



When most of us start off as parents, we want CONTROL over our children. We want to be able to say something to our kids and just have them listen without complaint. We forget that they're their own people with their own developing minds and individualities, don't see things the way we do, and are entitled to their own opinions just as much as we're entitled to ours. They don't have the maturity or perspective to absorb/apply reason, care for consequences or understand why it's not okay to have another cookie or five more minutes in the park. They also lack the neurological makeup to control their impulses, regulate their emotions and adapt to not getting their way. When we so quickly pin them with a judgement of stubborn, we overlook the real reasons why they aren't ABLE to cooperate in the moment, and miss crucial opportunities to connect, see their side of things, understand their needs and empathize with their struggles. This doesn't mean we should always give in to all their requests -- but to be able to say 'no' and set limits respectfully, it's important we tune into their perspective first.

How we perceive our kids will always affect how we respond to them. When you see your child as 'stubborn', you'd tend to respond in a way that nips the 'stubbornness'. When you see your child as asking for what she wants (or coping with her disappointment) the best way she knows how, you'd tend to respond with more compassion. Furthermore, your perception of your child affects her perception of herself, which in turn affects her behavior. The more she views herself as stubborn, the more she'd need to BE stubborn. Kids act the way they FEEL.

When we keep holding our kids to a standard they're clearly not able to reach, aren't we the ones who are more deserving of the label? Often, we tend to mirror the very patterns that we so badly seek to avoid in our children. When you persuade, demand or thrust your will, it's normal and likely for your child to respond with equally-strong counter-will. It takes TWO to tango. There won't be a power struggle if you refuse to be a part of it. Be the first to listen, get curious and tune in to the counter-perspective; model openness, empathy and understanding. Before long, your child would do the same for you. Also, when you draw a boundary, you don't need your child's buy-in. Your job is to hold the limit (stating the reasons), welcome feelings and offer support, NOT convince your child of your side of things, or get her to agree. She is FREE to dislike the boundary and have her own feelings about it. Expecting her to see things the way you see them is unrealistic and will lead you on a losing battle.

Also think about what your parenting goal is. Is it an obedient child who complies reluctantly without question and learns to suppress her needs, wants and desires, or one that's bold and assertive, doesn't give up on her needs and wants easily, and instead learns to communicate them confidently?  Don't we want our kids to speak up for themselves with friends and others? Kids learn to find and use their voice by first testing it out in the safe space of home. The more often they're heard, the more they learn to trust their voice and the more confidence they gain in asserting themselves.

Persistence, determination, perseverance, strong-mindedness are all the same traits as stubborn. Tomorrow, when friends offer your child a joint, you'd want her to say no, and stand her ground. When there's a test to ace or an opportunity to clasp, you'd want your child's will. Preserving her self-directed spirit and resisting the urge to subdue her will are hence in your best interest and your child's.

When you make seeing and tuning into your child's perspective a habit, you may start to see that you CAN sometimes allow another cookie or five more minutes in the park. What better way to teach flexibility than by modeling it? When your child sees that you have his interests in mind and are willing to make little shifts when/where you (comfortably) can, he'd much better be able to understand and adapt during the times you say 'no'.

Next time you think of your child as stubborn, reframe your perspective to what you're actually seeing, or what your child is conveying: "You badly want that cookie and you're upset I said 'no'', and watch how it unfolds.


Archana Balakrishnan






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