How do I get my child to stop screaming?


Being a sensory-avoider myself, I understand more than most how overwhelming it can be to be around a child that screams a lot.

As with anything parenting, if we go with the goal of cuing in to a child's perspective (rather than with the one-sided goal of nipping/modifying behavior), we'd find it much easier to respond in a way that's not only gentle but also helpful and effective.

Let's take a look at some of the reasons little ones scream:

1. It's the best/easiest/only way to get our attention.

As adults, we tend to tune our kids out a lot, whether it's when they're repeatedly calling our name, telling us a story, showing us something, or needing us a lot of the time. When they scream however, they instantly have our full attention.

The solution hence is to change this dynamic. Respond to your child the FIRST time she calls you. Responding could mean answering her question, tending to her request or even communicating that you will get back to her in a little bit. Also make sure to shower your child with plenty of attention during the day so she doesn't feel the need to seek it in inconvenient ways.

2. It gets a rise out of us.

The frontal lobes of the brain responsible for impulse-control are underdeveloped in little ones. Our bigger-than-usual reactions (scolding, long lectures and explanations) to behavior make their impulses much, much stronger and harder to resist. Sometimes, behaviors are their way of asking "Why does this upset you? Let me try that again and again to make sense of your reaction.", or "Does this rattle you, the grownup that's here to take care of me? Show me you can handle this.", or "Do you love me even when I act in these ways? Until it's clear to me that you do, I'm going to keep testing." 

So, go ahead and give your child the answer she's seeking (nonverbally) -- that you understand the impulse, you're not angry or upset, and you trust that she'd get over it. The calmer and more in-control your response, the sooner she'd lose interest in exploring your reaction, and move through this phase.

3. That's the best they're able to do to communicate how they feel.

Offer empathy; acknowledge feelings: "You're upset. I hear you. How can I help?"

Why this helps:

- Your child feels heard.

- Your words give your child vocabulary ("I'm upset") for next time.

- Your calm brings about hers. (Kids don't have the skills to self-regulate, but they can co-regulate in a calm, approachable adult's presence.)

- She gets the message that she doesn't have to scream to be heard.

4. They're following our example.

When we yell at them and others, that's what they learn too. It helps instead to model regulation, and using words to express feelings: "I'm feeling upset. I will come back to you when I'm calmer."

5. Babies scream to experiment with their voice and pitch.

As long as we stay calm and resist the urge to overreact, this phase would be short-lived and they'd quickly move on to exploring something else.

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