Handling Aggression

One of the hardest things that I've dealt with as a parent is staying calm during the times my daughter was aggressive. It often activated my fight-flight-freeze and I struggled for a long time to nail the Gentle Parenting response. But once I did, she came over her aggression (almost instantly).

Here's why harsh methods of discipline are not recommended in Gentle Parenting:

- we cannot teach kids to behave better than we do.

- fear-driven methods don't set up your child to do the right thing when your back is turned.

- such methods drive up a child's anxiety which in turn feeds the dysregulation and makes behavior worse.

- a child that's made to feel like a bad kid will ACT like a bad kid.

- calling too much attention to ANY behavior will only give it more power.

- such methods don't meet needs or teach skills required to do/behave better.

Understanding aggression

When a child hits, it's important to remember that:

- she isn't a bully

- she isn't a bad kid

- you're not a bad parent

- she isn't choosing to hit/hurt

- she doesn't mean to hurt you/others or be disrespectful

- she isn't an aggressive adult in the making

Little ones hit 

- because they lack impulse-control -- when they get an urge, they respond instantly; they cannot hit the 'pause button'

- because they lack the skills to manage their emotions

- when they aren't feeling good inside

- when they're sleepy/hungry/overtired/overstimulated

- when they're regularly exposed to such behavior

- when they're living up to a narrative or a label (such as 'bad kid') that somebody created for them

Should they learn not to hit despite all odds? Yes -- "If they could, they would"; they just aren't able to do better YET, and need some hand-holding until then.

To better understand what losing control of one's impulses looks like, consider the times we lose it and yell at our kids. We know it isn't okay, and the consequences; we're aware of all the other ways we can channel our anger; yet, we forget all of this in the moment because our emotions get the better of us. If you lose it with your child, and your spouse were to (however nicely) ask you why you yelled, lecture you, remind you of the consequences of yelling, you'd probably get angrier, more defensive, and distressed than you already are. Let's say instead he steps between you and your child, and says to you "I understand how you're feeling. I'm here, but I can't let you hurt him." He'd save your child from getting hurt, and you from a pile of regret and guilt. That's exactly what our kids need (or more given how much more emotionally immature they are) when they lose control.

What do you do when your child is aggressive?

In the moment, hold her hands to block her and say clearly and in a neutral tone, "I can't let you hit" and no more. Make sure you convey nonverbally that:

- you're not angry

- she's not a bad kid

- you see and understand her upsets and struggle with impulse-control

- you're there (and she can rely on you) to help her stop

- you have the power/control to stop her

A tantrum at this point is healthy because it'd release the upsets that drove her to lash out in the first place. Stay with her and offer comfort, while resisting the urge to stop the crying. The lighter your child's "emotional backpack" (pent-up feelings), the better her behavior. 

Teach AFTER the moment

When your child is in a state to listen, remind her "It's okay to be angry but not okay to hit/hurt others when angry". Resist the urge to chastise or shame her for what happened. Shame causes a child to recoil in defense, and cuts off access to her good thinking. Show her instead that you're on her side, that she can always count on you when she's struggling.

Ask her how else she thinks she can channel her anger/frustration in the moment. The solutions she comes up with may not just surprise you but may also be just the ones that work for her. Kids find it easier to access their intrinsic goodness when blame and shame are not in the way. Also this way, you lead her to take an active, willing part in resolving her own behavior. 

If however, your child seems uncooperative or defensive at this point, realize you caught her at a bad time, drop the subject, tell her you can talk about it later and move on, because nothing you say past this point is likely to be productive. Trust that your sweet child is right there, just buried under layers of emotion and shame. Work on uncovering those layers instead, by reminding her she's a good kid and you got her back, offering her lots of special time, and finding other ways to fill her tank and make her feel good again.

Despite the above efforts, it could be a while before your child is able to get a better grip over herself. You'd hence be wise to not expect instant results. Until then, be more proactive and preemptive than responsive. The sooner you firm up the methods, the sooner this phase will blow over.

Did you know you can handle aggression playfully?

Given how much aggression can trigger us, play is probably the last thing most of us would resort to, in response. Here's why it helps: play lifts stress, connects, and helps expel big emotions all of which make it LESS likely for a child to lash out when angry. Next time your child hits, erupt into a long, playful wail. (Note that this is very different from pretending to cry from being hurt, which is actually counterproductive.) This would instantly shift your child from offtrack, dysregulated mode to light, playful mode. Watch how her next playful hit doesn't hurt. If that isn't proof that no child WANTS to hurt (even when invited to do so), then nothing is. Would this encourage her to be more aggressive? No, it would encourage her to be more PLAYFUL. Kids know the difference between play and aggression. Like Larry Cohen (author of 'Playful Parenting') says, "Aggressive play is not aggression. Aggressive play is play."

You can also role play with her dolls (well after the moment). Have Teddy get mad at his friend and pretend that his anger gives him 'super' powers such as being able to fly to a calmer place, or rocket to the moon or sing his frustration out, etc. This would make it easier for your child to remember and register other ways to manage her emotions as they arise.

When your child hurts another

Do these things in order:

1. Go between the children.

2. Breathe.

3. Attend to the child that was hurt and apologize for your child.

4. Trust that your child didn't mean for that to happen, is feeling horrible inside, and also doesn't trust herself to do better next time. Resist the urge to blame or pile more on her, as that'd only get her to tighten up more. 

5. Non-judgmentally, ask your child what happened and be sure to listen.

6. Suggest/ask what else she could have done.

7. Assure her you'd preempt her better next time, and make sure to follow through. Contrary to what mainstream methods may say, taking this load off your child is HELPFUL because it'd relieve her and lower her anxiety, hence enabling her to think/do better next time. Gain your child's trust so she'd come to you when she's feeling out-of-sorts or gets the urge to do something that she'd regret. My then-four-year-old used to approach me tearfully with "Can you sit with us? I'm not getting along with X." or "I'm so scared I will hit. Can you take me away?"

Refrain from pushing your child to apologize. Forced apologies are meaningless. True apologies are heartfelt and sincere, and come from a place of remorse and compassion. Until 4 or 5, kids don't feel compassion. So, by asking a child this young to apologize, you'd be forcing an insincere apology (which is worse than no apology). Kids learn to apologize by watching us. As parents, we make a ton of mistakes from time to time; when we apologize for those times, we teach our kids to apologize too. 

When your child tends to be aggressive during playdates

Supervise your child during all playdates. Keep them short (down to 20 min or so) or keep play activities structured (such as having the kids work on activities sitting side by side) until your child gets through this phase. If your child gets aggressive during this time, end the playdate, NOT to punish her, but to keep everyone safe. However, this'd also act as a logical consequence and enable her to do better next time.

Keep an eye out for patterns and address behavior accordingly. For instance, if she tends to hit after say 20 min, keep playdates shorter or give her a break before this time. If she tends to hit when hungry or sleepy, make sure those needs are taken care of. If her aggression is mostly aimed at one kid, then understand what about the dynamics is upsetting to your child, and address it. (This is not to say it's the other child's fault; aggression is never the victim's fault; drilling into the 'why' is important so you can be helpful; your child may need to be taught better ways to deal with/communicate about/adapt to whatever is upsetting.) The more you're able to lower the number of aggressive episodes, the sooner her self-narrative would shift, the more confidence she'd gain in herself, and the sooner she'd move through her aggression.

Special time and roughhousing BEFORE the playdate are proactive solutions because they fill up your child's tank. The fuller her tank, the better she'd be able to resist her impulses and behavior.

When your child is hurt by another

If you've been there and your mama bear instincts got the better of you and you said/did things you aren't proud of, you're not alone. Our sense of responsibility and protective instincts can be so overpowering during such times, making it very difficult for us to do the right thing. Such incidents can also kick up some big feelings and painful memories for us from the times we were bullied by siblings, cousins, friends or other kids at school. Also, if the other child has a very different personality and temperament from our own, it can be incredibly hard to understand their struggles. But the better we can breathe, refresh our perspective, and regulate ourselves during such times, the more helpful we can be to all kids involved. Kids learn a great deal from how we recover from and respond in our weakest and most difficult moments. 

It may also help to understand that kids who tend to be aggressive are usually ones who are victims of aggression themselves, victims of trauma, differently wired kids (including those with invisible special needs) who lag in self-control and executive functioning, or simply kids who have a default 'fight' response (instead of the more common flight/freeze) to stress. Resist the urge to tell off the other child, or paint a bad picture of her to your own. Kids forgive and are healthier for it. 

If however you don't see the parents of the other child take action or if the child seems to persistently have trouble knocking off the aggression, it'd be best to give your child a break from the other to keep things safe. 

Why it's not a good idea to teach your child to hit back

It isn't safe. Kids who're aggressive are usually ones who have bigger struggles with impulse-control and regulation than other kids. So hitting back a child with such struggles may provoke more aggression, and things can escalate and get dangerous.

It isn't moral. Teaching a child to hit (or hit back) is teaching her aggression. Aggression is wrong even if it's in reaction.

Kids also lack vigilance and the skills to regulate their emotions to be able to even constructively defend themselves.

Ask your child instead to alert an adult for help. Make sure to always supervise all playdates when there are little kids involved. If the aggression tends to happen in school, request for more supervision.

Archana Balakrishnan