Why Rewards Do More Harm Than Good

 


Why Rewards Do More Harm Than Good:

1. It drains a child's intrinsic motivation. We want our kids to do the right thing for the right reasons, not for hope for a reward or fear of punishment.

2. Children ARE good people. We don't have to bribe, threaten or manipulate them to turn them into good people. When they don't behave in expected ways, it's because there's something in the 'way'. As parents, we're responsible for clearing the way so they can return to their goodness.

3. Behavior is a language. When you rush to fix just the behavior, you don't uncover the CAUSE of the behavior which is either an unmet need or an undeveloped skill. What you instead end up doing is shutting down a channel (sometimes a child's only channel) of communication.

4. It's a form of coercive control that carries the message that a parent's love/approval comes with conditions.

5. Every time your goal is compliance instead of COOPERATION, you're in a state to see things only from your perspective and not your child's. Rewarding/punishing behavior trains you to lose touch with your child's side of things.

6. Withholding the reward when a child doesn't meet an expectation has all the same effects as punishment.

7. Children are always deserving of our time, attention and gifts -- these aren't special treats that they have to earn, and instead should be given out freely and unconditionally.

8. Rewards and punishments make kids self-centered, since their focus is directed to either winning the reward or escaping the punishment, rather than the moral reasons behind the expectation.

9. Kids who're used to rewards and punishments don't learn or acquire the skills to cope with limits set, act out of self-discipline or regulate their emotions.

10. Whatever you don't use, you lose. The more often you act out of empathy, compassion or integrity (instead of hope for reward/fear of punishment), the more of it you will have. 


Archana Balakrishnan


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