Gentle Parenting and Authoritarian Parenting

Gentle Parenting and Authoritarian Parenting 


What is Authoritarian Parenting?

The following methods come under Authoritarian Parenting:
Spanking
Yelling
Timeouts and other punishments
Rewards
Threats
Withdrawing attention/privileges
Ignoring tantrums
Harsh/stern tone of voice

Pitfalls of Authoritarian-style Parenting

-- Child learns to comply out of fear of disapproval/punishment or hope for approval/reward rather than the right/moral reasons.
-- It doesn't set up the child to do the right thing when a parent or an authority figure isn't around.
-- It aims to fix behavior without considering unmet needs, developmental stages and undeveloped skills.
-- Methods pit the parent against the child (hence straining the relationship).  
-- Methods use kids' vulnerability against them.
-- Parent doesn't model respect, empathy, compassion, emotional regulation, or the desired behavior. 
-- It drains the child's intrinsic motivation and makes her self-centered, since her focus is directed to self-preservation (evading the punishment or winning the reward).
-- Child is forced to choose between authenticity and approval.   
-- It follows the assumption that kids (humans) aren't good people when not ruled with an iron fist.
-- When the child's behavior gets more challenging, there's the need/tendency to escalate methods of discipline. 
-- Parent loses control when the child outgrows these methods of discipline.
-- Child is insecurely attached; unhealthy attachment patterns continue into adulthood.

How Gentle Parenting is different from Authoritarian Parenting

-- Gentle Parents believe that kids deserve to be treated the way we'd all like to be treated.
-- The goal of discipline is to teach a child self-discipline, build her conscience and value system so she learns to do the right thing out of responsibility, and for the right/moral reasons.
-- Parent sets firm boundaries politely, while welcoming and holding space for the child's feelings.  
-- Parent acts with an understanding of the child's development, undeveloped skills and unmet needs.
-- Parent gets on the same side as the child and helps her with her behavior, or solves problems with her collaboratively.
-- Parent wins influence through the relationship.
-- Child behaves authentically, and feels safe to express her deepest thoughts and emotions the best way she knows how.
-- There's trust in the child as a good human being who's intrinsically generous and kind, and needs help sometimes to access her good thinking.
-- Child learns respect, empathy, compassion, emotional regulation, and the desired behavior by watching the parent.
-- Child grows to be an independent thinker, who challenges and questions things, rather than blindly submitting to peer pressure or authority.
-- Child expects and asks to be treated well, grows to assert her needs and form healthy relationships.

Now, for the most common questions -

1. How would a child learn to do the right thing for the right reasons?
Kids are intrinsically good and usually aware of the reasons behind an expectation, but can't always follow through because they lack executive functioning skills, and hence are all impulses and emotions. This is why parents need to step in to set firm boundaries and help them with their behavior until they're able to help themselves. With a good support system and a strong connection with atleast one caregiver, the right modeling, and the development of the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for executive functioning), they will develop their moral compass and grow to act out of integrity.

2. How do I become a Gentle Parent?
Start by telling your child that you'd be making changes in the way you parent. Then, make special time a habit. Special time is child-led one-on-one time for at least 10-15 min a day where you follow your child's lead and delight in her. Next, begin setting limits, and listening to the big feelings that follow. Also get in the groove of seeing your child's side of things and attuning to her needs. Prioritize self-care and fill your own cup so you can pour into your child's.

Expect your child's behavior to get a lot worse before it gets better. This would be a result of your child feeling safe to finally unload her "emotional backpack" (stored-up upsets). Expect yourself to lose it and not get it 'right' the first many months. Go armed with grace both for yourself and your child.

3. I like Gentle Parenting, but I wonder if I have the time for it.
Gentle Parenting does require you to set aside time and bandwidth for connection and listening to your child's feelings as they come up. But if you keep using the tools, you'd find yourself spending MUCH less time managing your child's behavior. And there's the GRAND bonus - a safe and trusting relationship between you and your child.

4. I was spanked, yelled at, punished but turned out fine.
Check my argument against this fallacy: https://gentlerespectfulparenting.blogspot.com/2020/10/my-stand-against-i-was-spanked-but.html

5. Will Gentle Parenting make my child too sensitive?
Yes, and that's a GOOD thing. Getting desensitized to unfair treatment is NOT healthy. People treat us the way we expect to be treated. Also, we cannot treat our kids unfairly, so they get used to being treated unfairly.  

6. I keep trying to be a Gentle Parent, but then I lose it and turn authoritarian. How do I stay the course?
Losing it doesn't mean you're authoritarian. It means you're human. When you're a gentle parent, you usually cycle through I'd say 3 phases. I call them connect, disconnect, reconnect. When you're in the connect phase, everything is going well. You and your kids feel connected; they are mostly cooperative; you feel hopeful and in control. Then one of these happens - you lose it, fall sick, school reopens, you get busy at work or have another child -- 'disconnect' happens. Your kids are offtrack and not as cooperative as they used to be. You both feel stressed and resentful. But then there's 'reconnect' where you make repairs, apologize if you lost it, and restart your connection. 'Reconnect' is harder than 'connect' because you'd have to take the high road, which would be to stay calm and try to reconnect despite testing and difficult behavior. You're then back at 'connect'. As you cycle through these phases, you will find yourself spending more and more time in the connect phase, and less and less time in disconnect and reconnect. Life is unpredictable and people are imperfect, and disconnects are bound to happen. That doesn't have to mean you're not a Gentle Parent anymore. Pick yourself back up and try again.

7. How do I keep from losing it when moments get tense?
a. Be mindful of your triggers, and make sure to set the limit EARLY. Tolerating is a precursor to yelling. When you find yourself tolerating, set a limit. For instance, your child keeps banging on the door even after you've asked her not to? Repeating yourself to a child that isn't listening is bound to make you angry. Instead, go up to her and stop her. Adult tantrum averted, behavior overridden!
b. Go away for a time-in. Go back to your child when you're calmer.
c. Reframe your expectations, and your perspective. Remember your child doesn't WANT, or isn't CHOOSING to upset you. She needs your HELP to knock off her behavior. Also, watch out for your "always and nevers": For instance reframe "she is ALWAYS so defiant" to "she's having a hard time regulating/adapting", "she ALWAYS misbehaves" to "she was fine this morning; something's bugging her now", "she NEVER eats anything healthy" to "she isn't the mood to eat today", etc.
d. Try 'turning' your anger into something playful. Pretend you're turning into a monster and you're going to eat her. Or sing your complaint in opera style (book 'Playful Parenting'). Or rant away but in a pretend bumbling, confused, incompetent tone of voice and end with a playful wail. See how it shifts your mood too!
e. If you absolutely MUST let off some steam, talk only about YOUR feelings without blaming or pointing fingers. For instance, "I feel angry when I have to keep wiping spills." or "It's hard for me to stay calm when I'm hit/hurt." 

If you DO flip your lid, apologize, rehearse how it should have gone (replay the situation in your head and think about how else you could have handled it) and make plans to do better. It's OKAY to sit with the guilt - it's a powerful motivator.


Archana Balakrishnan


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

LOVING YOUR CHILD THROUGH A TANTRUM

Image
Nothing unsettles a parent more than the sound of their child crying. Most of us at some point have rushed to meet their demands however unreasonable, shushed them, distracted them, told them not to cry, changed the subject or talked them out of their feelings. Unfortunately however, none of these methods meet the child's needs, help them through their feelings, or teach them lessons in emotional regulation, adaptability or build resilience. In fact, they do the opposite: they shut feelings down, and send the message that there's something wrong with feeling negative emotions. But negative emotions such as disappointment, sadness, frustration, anger, etc. are part of life's experiences and are inevitable. We don't recover from such emotions by pretending they don't exist, or tucking them away. We recover by acknowledging them, welcoming them, getting comfortable with them and experiencing them, until they naturally pass out of our system. The more we let ourselves e...
Read more

WHY DISTRACTING A CHILD ISN'T GENTLE

Image
  We all sometimes get the urge to distract our kids from their feelings and behavior, and it's understandable why: it's convenient, an easy way out of a difficult situation, and we can move on as if nothing happened. However, as Pam Leo said, "Crying is the healing, not the hurting." Tears are powerful ways of getting difficult feelings up and out of our system, so we can move to a lighter and happier state of mind, return to seeing things through clear lenses, and with clean, fresh and undiluted mindsets. When we distract, we get kids to push their feelings back in. Unresolved feelings hog mental bandwidth (that can instead be channeled towards playing, learning, adapting and living), create "blind spots" (biases in thinking) and convert to triggers and repressed emotions that spill out in unhealthy ways. Have you had a meltdown that came out of 'nowhere'? Disliked someone for 'no reason'? That's all from the unprocessed gunk in your ...
Read more

My stand against the "I was spanked but turned out fine" fallacy

Image
My stand against the "I was spanked but turned out fine" fallacy: If we think it's okay to spank and overpower a little child, we did NOT turn out fine. If we don't/didn't hold grudges against our parents for hitting us, it's because we formed insecure attachment patterns, were conditioned to believe that we deserved it, that our feelings didn't matter, that we wouldn't be good people if not fearful, that it was okay for someone bigger to use their might against us and violate our body autonomy to control us. All these are indicators of psychological abuse. Also, consider the following questions: I'm sure you have heard of the saying "Might is not right". Is it fair to use our mightier position as parents to subdue a small, vulnerable child who can't fend for herself? Would you hit your spouse/parents when they don't listen to you? Of course not! Why? Because they'd probably hit you back, push you away or make sure you suffer ...
Read more