Gentle Parenting and Permissive Parenting


Gentle Parenting and Permissive Parenting

What Gentle Parenting is NOT:

Lack of or unclear limits/boundaries
Giving in to a child's demands to avoid tantrums
Distracting a child from difficult behavior (such as hitting)
Ignoring/tolerating difficult behavior
Lying or tricking a child into complying (or otherwise finding a way to dodge your child's reaction and avoid taking responsibility for setting a limit)
Repeating yourself to a child that isn't listening, without following through with a limit
Putting the onus on a child to listen and follow directions

What's wrong with permissive parenting?

It puts the child in charge and entrusts him with responsibility that he isn't ready for.
It doesn't teach boundaries.
It doesn't teach your child to cope with disappointment, frustration, or life not going his way.
It makes for a demanding, unhappy, out-of-control and unsettled child with a full "emotional backpack" (lots of pent-up feelings).
It makes for an exhausted and resentful parent that tends to lose it often.
It affects your perception of your child.
It sends your child the message that he's annoying.
It keeps you from enjoying parenting, and from delighting in your child.
It strains your relationship with your child.

What IS Gentle Parenting then?

Proactively meeting a child's needs or cuing in to the needs underlying difficult behavior, and finding ways to meet them
Reading up on and understanding developmental/behavioral stages, basic workings of a child's brain, the WHYs behind behavior, and where your child is in development so you can respond with empathy
Setting limits honestly, clearly, confidently and respectfully, and getting comfortable with your child's feelings around those limits
Physically intervening with behavior (such as holding your child's hand to stop him from hitting/throwing, moving him away from the stove, etc)
Making space for and being available during tantrums and feelings
Setting up a child-friendly space that isn't restrictive, and encourages a child to explore, learn and get his needs met
Special time and connection rituals
Delighting in your child, and working on your bond
Setting limits playfully (Mock threats for instance: "Do that again, and you get a thousand kisses")
Solving problems collaboratively with your child
Finding win-win solutions

Is it okay to be permissive, or not set limits sometimes? Yes!

When you as the parent don't care about the limit and don't mind the consequences that follow from not holding the limit (for instance, you may be okay with allowing a more flexible routine - late bedtime, etc)
When you don't have the resources (time, mental bandwidth) for a meltdown, and decide to bring the limit at a later time when you're well-resourced
When your child is going through a difficult phase, and you think it'd help to go easy on a few limits for a while
When you're shifting to Gentle Parenting, and want to work on one limit at a time
When the situation isn't conducive: screen-time limits in an aeroplane for instance are inconvenient
When there are other things going on - say when a child has other needs or differences that require you to be more accommodative


Archana Balakrishnan


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