LISTENING




Here are some typical ways we tend to interact with children - 

  
Kid: I hate you!
Parent: You should never say that to me! I'm your parent and only mean good.

Kid (crying after school): A called me poopy head and said she won't play with me anymore.
Parent: Don't play with A tomorrow. Next time, say something back. Find other friends.

Kid: I hate B. She's so little.
Parent: Don't say that! You're bigger and you should take care of her.

Kid: Why can't we see God? How do you know he exists?
Parent: <long answer about God and religion>

Kid (has a tantrum and cries)
Parent: No crying. There's no point crying over this! This is why I'm saying no...

Parent: Clean up your toys.
Kid: No!
Parent: No saying 'no'. I never spoke this way to my mom!

Kid: I don't want to get in the pool. I'm scared.
Parent: Don't be. There's nothing to be scared of.

You may ask what's wrong with the above responses. Did you notice how in each of the above instances, the parent rushes to TALK instead of LISTEN? Several years ago, I used to be this parent. Understandably, we all feel an overpowering urge to talk to our kids in length about how they should and shouldn't feel/think/behave. We believe we have all the answers and kids can greatly benefit from them. Our overprotective instincts sometimes push us to fix things for our kids, drive all their fears, troubles and suffering away. We have these gnawing questions within us: if I don't tell her, how will she know? How can I feel like a responsible parent if I don't explain life to her? I have more experience and have been through this. I don't want her to end up under-confident/overconfident/lazy/hyperactive. If only she would listen...

Kids learn to listen when they feel LISTENED TO. Words, emotions and behavior are all forms of communication. The most helpful response when someone communicates is to LISTEN.

Here are some problems with talking too much/soon or prematurely launching into advice:

- Kids have low attention spans and can't listen for too long, especially when they're emotional and are looking to get something off their chest. Mistimed advice is hence unhelpful and futile. Advice is best absorbed and most effective when it's timely, short, and is delivered well after the emotional moment when your child is in a state to receive it. 
- When you speak too soon, you may miss the whole story, your child's perspective and what she needs help with, and may end up drawing premature conclusions.
- When we advise kids (or people) when they're not in a state to hear us out, we risk making them feel judged and shutting them down, hence making it less likely for them to open up to us in the future.
-  By not listening, we prevent our kids from crying/venting. Letting them offload feelings helps them get through and past the experience, builds their resilience, dissolves fears and upsets, and clears their mental bandwidth that can then be channeled towards solving problems.  
- By not holding space for feelings, we end up giving kids the message that there's something wrong with feeling negative emotions. However, negative emotions are just as valid as positive ones, and deserve attention and understanding.
- When we talk, we're focused on us. When we listen, we're focused on others. When kids talk, they NEED us to focus on THEM.  
- When we talk too soon, we miss the opportunity to reflect on our own fears and baggage, and risk giving out a response that's colored by our biases.
- We don't model listening. A child cannot learn to listen, if he's not used to being listened to.
- Kids are natural problem solvers, and are perfectly capable of working out their own solutions. What they hence need MORE than solutions is to be HEARD.  
- Our solutions may not work for their personality, their beliefs, goals or what they're looking to achieve out of the situation (which in most cases is just to get through the experience).
- The tendency to talk too soon follows from a lack of trust in the child as ABLE to solve his own problems. By saying too much and too soon, we may end up making kids too reliant on our advice, hence discouraging them from becoming independent thinkers.
- In some cases, we may (without intending to) color their reality, and mislead them from what they see as true. For instance, if your child tells you his teacher doesn't like him and you say "Don't assume things", you get him to doubt his own perception of what's true and hamper his learning of social cues. Kids know their environment the best. Trusting their judgments, or letting them learn from their own judgments will serve them better than misplaced advice.
- When we speak less, our words have more value. So, save your words for when they are truly needed or when they are most likely to be received and be impactful.
- Parenting is about discovering the child you have, not raising her to be someone you want her to be. And how do you discover who your child is, what she likes/doesn't like, her quirks, her sensitivities, her interests and inclinations? By LISTENING.

When I got better at listening, this is how my conversations with my daughter shifted:

J: I hate you!
Me: You seem upset?
J: You were rude when you asked me to hurry up.
Me: Sorry. I'm anxious we're running late. I will plan better next time.
J: Yesterday, my PE teacher yelled at me to hurry up, and all the other kids stared at me! You're just like her! (Has a meltdown)
Me: So sorry, no wonder you're upset!
J (melts down in my arms)
J (later in the day): You know when I said 'I hate you', I still loved you.
Me: I know, sweety!

J (crying): A called me poopy head and said she won't play with me anymore!
Me: Oh, that must have been hard to hear.
J: It was. Why doesn't she like me? (Cries)
Me (the next day): How did it go with A?
J: I was playing with R today, because A called me poopy head. But A came to me and gave me a cookie. We all played. I think A was in a bad mood yesterday.

J: I don't like X. She's so little! 
Me: Oh?
J: When she threw a sock at me, everyone laughed! But if I do the same thing, they'd stare.
Me: Hmm...
J: Because it's harder for her to stop herself
Me: Yes
J: Maybe I don't hate X. I helped her to the sidewalk when I saw a car coming. I didn't like little Y before but now I do. Maybe I will start liking X soon too.

J: Why do you believe in God? You can't see him!
Me: Someone must have created this world. But yeah, some don't believe in anything they can't see or hear or feel. What do YOU think?
J: Just because you cannot see God, it doesn't mean he isn't there.
Me: Hmm, I've never thought about it like that! So, you believe in God?
J: I'm not picking a side.

J: I'm not getting in the pool today. I'm scared.
Me: Oh!
J: You remember how yesterday I removed my vest by mistake and went under the water? That was so scary! 
Me: I know, I'm so sorry. 
J (cries)
Me (after she's done): You want to just wet your legs?
J: No, I'm getting in. Is my vest tight enough?

Me: Let's clean up your toys.
J: No!
Me (playful): Did you hear that? 
J (amused): No
Me: Oh ok, maybe I was imagining it. Let's clean up.
J: No
Me: I just heard it again! What IS that? I hear it every time I say 'clea....'
J: NO, NO, NO
Me (covering my mouth in playful, mock shock)
J (laughs and starts picking up)
Did you know PLAY is a form of listening? What better way to listen to your child than to speak her language?


I have to admit however that my conversations with my kiddo haven't always gone this well. There have been a few times when my emotions have gripped me or when she's had several meltdowns over the same experience. But the more I listen, the more easily she shifts.  

When is it NOT a good idea to listen?

- When your child asks you a question or for advice
Be sure to keep your answer crisp, and redirect to her thinking.

- When your child is hurt
The first thing to do here is attend to the wound. Listening to her feelings about the fall can come later.

- When your child is hungry
'Hangry' tantrums are much longer and more intense. It'd help instead to steer her playfully. Pick up a piece of fruit for instance and say 'Eat me first!', then another one "No. me!" "Which one of us are you going to eat first?"

- When you don't have the bandwidth
Pretending to listen when you aren't able to, does more harm than good. Set a limit -- say "I'm not able to listen now. I will be able to after dinner." Keep from saying "Don't talk to me now". Setting limits isn't about asking your child to do/not do something. It's about declaring honestly what YOU will and won't do, and welcoming your child's reaction to it.

- When she's crying about something that you can quickly/easily fix 
For instance, if the dog grabs her block and she melts into a tantrum, help her get it back.


Archana Balakrishnan

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