Gentle Parenting In Action: Setting Limits and Meeting Needs
I see many questions like this in the parenting groups that I'm a part of: "My child won't stop hitting", "He keeps reaching for the plug points even after being told not to", "She doesn't let us turn off the lights at night" "She wanted to see her Grandma in the middle of the night, and wouldn't take no for an answer". Sometimes these questions are followed by "No amount of talking/explaining is helping".
When our kids don't comply and we still keep repeating/explaining ourselves, they aren't the only ones who aren't 'listening'.
My child won't listen!
To be able to help your child with his behavior, hold boundaries respectfully and respond to him in a way that's gentle and effective, it's important to understand developmental stages, underdeveloped skills, and the basic workings of a child's brain. Little ones have an immature prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain responsible for impulse-control, self-regulation, thinking and making good choices. What this means is that a little child (especially a toddler or a preschooler) doesn't have the brain development to listen, follow instructions, inhibit his behaviors, give up his demands or control his impulses. This is why verbal requests often aren't enough. We need to step in and physically help our kids with their behavior when they aren't able to help themselves. For instance, if you see your child spill water on the floor, instead of instructing him standing two feet away, go up to him, say "I can't let you do that" and take the cup away. If your child keeps reaching for the plug points, baby-proof them. If he keeps getting into the rice box in the kitchen, move it out of his reach. If he tends to run in the parking lot, hold his hand when you get off the car and don't let go.
"I can't let you" is powerful and comforting because it shows your child that you're in charge, you have the power to override his behavior, and he's spared from the burden of having to manage himself. Make sure your tone while setting limits is polite, calm, certain and confident so your child knows that the limit is firm and non-negotiable, and he isn't in any trouble. Being too stern, lecturing or overreacting will call too much attention to the behavior and give it more power. All the same, a tone of "No throwing, ok?" is also not recommended because it lacks confidence; your child will probably never give you his 'okay' and you don't need it. Understanding your role and responsibility along with your child's perspective and his neurological development/limitations are all key to nailing the tone while setting limits.
But my child has a tantrum when I set a limit!
Of course he will! When we don't get what we want, it's disappointing. Those upsets need to be processed out for us to be able to adapt to life not going our way. Hence, letting a child cry (while we stay close and acknowledge feelings) will help him get over his disappointment and cope with the limit. Kids are independent beings with minds of their own, and it's unfair to expect them to instantly comply with our requests.
Setting boundaries respectfully requires us to hold BOTH our perspective and our child's even when they conflict. You can hold back the cookie AND empathize with how badly your child wants it. You can set a limit AND be understanding of your child's resistance and feelings. You can be comfortable with your own feelings WHILE realizing that your child is entitled to his. You can hold the boundary and STILL be polite. Owning your perspective and being empathetic of another's is key to being not only a Gentle Parent but also a compassionate human.
Is setting limits enough to manage behavior?
While setting limits is crucial to managing behavior, it isn't enough. Behavior is a language, and 'mis'behavior is most often a symptom of a lurking unmet need. As long as the need persists, the behavior will persist too. For instance, a child that's struggling with a throwing impulse NEEDS venues to explore that interest (such as say a basketball hoop in the deck, or bowling toys). A child that's stuck seeking negative attention is one that needs connection and lots of positive attention. A child that fidgets or isn't able to sit still may need more physical activity. Identifying and addressing these needs (preferably proactively) is an essential component of gentle discipline.
Be sure to back up your 'no's with yeses and redirect whenever you can. For instance "No, you can't pour water on the floor -- you can pour it in the sink instead", "You can't throw the ball in the house -- you can play with it in the deck", "You can't hit me; you can stomp or punch this pillow."
Explain why you don't approve of the behavior well after the moment and only if your child doesn't already know it. Most often, a lack of understanding is not the problem. It's either an overpowering need or a lack of self-control.
Safety limits and limits on aggressive behavior are non-negotiable (but bring them swiftly and politely). Disallowing inappropriate or disruptive behavior (such as throwing food or objects around the house, climbing on your neighbor's couch, etc.) are all important. Also watch out for any behavior that makes you uncomfortable -- it may either need a limit, or may require you to reassess your expectations.
What else can I do to help my child with his impulses?
You can understand what strengthens and inhibits his impulses. A strong parent-child bond, our calm, in-control and empathetic responses to difficult behavior, a child's relaxed internal state (little/no pent-up emotions) and restfulness weaken his impulses. Feelings of disconnection from parents, being on the receiving end of judgments/harshness, sleepiness, hunger and fatigue make those impulses stronger.
No amount of talking/explaining is working to get my child to listen.
Explaining doesn't work because a lack of understanding of why you don't approve of the behavior is often not the problem. It's a lack of self-control. When you repeat or explain yourself too much to a child that isn't listening, your words lose value. Speak less and back your words with ACTION so they have the most impact.
Also, expecting for instance a one-year-old to stop biting because "it hurts Mommy" isn't age-appropriate, because his brain is not developed yet for compassion. He doesn't care that it hurts you. He may care about losing your approval but it still isn't enough to get him to control his impulses.
But my baby/toddler gets into everything. How can I keep intervening all day?
You can't and you shouldn't. Babies and toddlers learn the most from play and exploration. Intervening all day would not only be exhausting for you, but too many directives, limits or nos would make for an extremely restrictive environment for your child and kill his drive to explore.
It's beneficial for babies and toddlers to spend most of their time in a "yes space". It's a safe, limited space with a barrier. It has your child's favorite toys/activities and is clear of anything that isn't safe for him to touch, put in his mouth, etc. It's a space where he doesn't hear the word "no", and where you can leave him safely to go to the bathroom, or go about your work. It may take a little bit of getting used to. (You can sit in the yes space with him at first, then sit right outside, then away from it, go to the bathroom, etc.) It may also involve a few tantrums the first few days or so, but it's extremely beneficial for his learning, development, your relationship with him (that isn't strained by you yelling at him to stop touching things, making a mess, etc.) and your sanity.
How will my child learn if I keep intervening?
Just like a newborn can't crawl and a one-year-old can't write, little kids don't have the brain development to control their own behavior. And think about the alternative: if you won't intervene, you'd probably have to repeat yourself until you lose it.
My child laughs when he disobeys.
Be assured that the laughter is not coming from an evil or a spiteful place, but from a place of discomfort at having gotten away with the misdeed. It's also a sign that your child is looking for more leadership from you. As much as it doesn't seem like it, kids don't like to be in charge. They need us to step in and comfortably enforce limits. They'd rather channel their resources towards playing and living the moment, than ruling and defying us. So, give your child the gift of a limit whenever necessary.
For older kids, the laughter may also be shame (especially if they're used to being shamed by parents/caregivers for misdeeds). Shame blocks good thinking, makes your child defensive, and does more harm than good. This is also why it's important to set limits empathetically.
How do you handle behavior that can't be addressed with a physical limit, such as screaming or backtalk?
Screaming and backtalk are really just your child's ways of expressing herself, communicating her distress to you the way she knows how. Due to an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, little ones lack emotional regulation and the skills to convey their thoughts and feelings in civil, regulated ways. We'd hence be wise to let the tone and the words go, and acknowledge the feelings underneath. With a baby or a toddler, you'd help name the feeling such as "You're upset. I hear you." With an older child, you could say "You seem upset. Tell me more." and hold space for words and feelings. This'd open up a safe space for your child to express herself freely and show her that she doesn't have to yell or be rude to be heard. With age, maturity, your modeling and access to an environment where she feels heard, your child will learn and be able to express herself more constructively.
My daughter's 'backtalk' has woken me up to things that I was missing - her grievances, the times she felt misunderstood, or even the times I wasn't considerate of something that was important to her. If she hadn't 'backtalked', I would have never known about these things and would never have made amends. Yes, it'd be great if our kids spoke to us about their feelings calmly and politely all the time, but even with our mature prefrontal cortex, we don't always express our emotions calmly, do we? Shutting our kids down when they don't behave better than we do isn't fair or helpful.
Limit-setting doesn't have to be serious business!
There's room for silliness and play. You tell your child it's time for bed and she ignores you? Hold her toothbrush like a microphone and say "Can anyone hear me? It's time to brush your teeth!", tap it and complain that it isn't working. Or complain to her teddy bear that she isn't listening, and have Teddy defend her while you say "No" and wail. Why this works: it takes the steam off the situation, it gets her laughing and shifts her into 'play' mode from power-struggle/impulsive/testing/anxious mode, it lightens you up and you end up not giving her a big negative reaction, and it strengthens your connection which always paves the way for more cooperation.
My child ignores me when I call her to do something.
Move in warmly, get down to her level, make eye contact, and smile. Then repeat your request. Or move in playfully. "Helooo! Have I lost my voice?" When kids are off-track, they are operating from their emotional brain. Connection is a surefire way to wake up the 'thinking' part of the brain and gain cooperation.
Also, ask yourself these questions: did my child hear me, or is she just too focused on something? Is my child doing/playing with something that's too interesting to put away? Did I give her sufficient notice to prepare her for what's coming? Did I allow time for her to transition? Is she feeling disconnected? Your response would vary depending on the answers to these questions.
Without connection, we have no influence.
For your child to accept your guidance, she needs to feel connected. To be an effective leader for your child, she should WANT to follow you.
While hearing is passive and automatic, LISTENING comes from the RELATIONSHIP. We all listen better to those we feel connected to, who take the time to listen, understand and relate to us. Setting aside time for special time (child-led one-on-one time) is hence crucial to building a strong foundation of connection and gaining your child's trust and cooperation.
"No" is a power word.
Kids lack a lot of control over their lives, and hence their power bucket often tends to run dry. Saying no, defying us and doing things we forbid are sometimes ways they try to regain some control. Finding ways to empower them during the day such as offering them choices wherever we can, increasing the number of yeses, reducing the number of directives and taking the less powerful role in play will all help immensely with behavior.
Archana Balakrishnan
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