Gentle Parenting

One of the hardest things that I've dealt with as a parent is staying calm during the times my daughter was aggressive. It often activated my fight-flight-freeze and I struggled for a long time to nail the Gentle Parenting response. But once I did, she came over her aggression (almost instantly). Here's why harsh methods of discipline are not recommended in Gentle Parenting: - we cannot teach kids to behave better than we do. - fear-driven methods don't set up your child to do the right thing when your back is turned. - such methods drive up a child's anxiety which in turn feeds the dysregulation and makes behavior worse. - a child that's made to feel like a bad kid will ACT like a bad kid. - calling too much attention to ANY behavior will only give it more power. - such methods don't meet needs or teach skills required to do/behave better. Understanding aggression When a child hits, it's important to remember that: - she isn't a bully - she isn't a ...

Nothing unsettles a parent more than the sound of their child crying. Most of us at some point have rushed to meet their demands however unreasonable, shushed them, distracted them, told them not to cry, changed the subject or talked them out of their feelings. Unfortunately however, none of these methods meet the child's needs, help them through their feelings, or teach them lessons in emotional regulation, adaptability or build resilience. In fact, they do the opposite: they shut feelings down, and send the message that there's something wrong with feeling negative emotions. But negative emotions such as disappointment, sadness, frustration, anger, etc. are part of life's experiences and are inevitable. We don't recover from such emotions by pretending they don't exist, or tucking them away. We recover by acknowledging them, welcoming them, getting comfortable with them and experiencing them, until they naturally pass out of our system. The more we let ourselves e...

I was discussing Gentle Parenting with my husband several years ago, and I remember he said "So, if you can't yell or hit or punish or take things away, how do you gain cooperation?" He didn't expect my answer to be "By firming up your connection". His response understandably was "How's that enough?" Connection is an innate human need, and this need is even bigger in children who're dependent on us for survival. When a child's needs are met, he can think, problem solve, regulate and behave better. What does CONNECTION look like? Your child feels connected when: - he willingly cooperates with you most of the time - he feels free to disagree with you - he feels safe to share his deepest and darkest thoughts, fears and feelings with you - he lets you know when he's angry - he runs TO you when he makes a mistake - he's honest and authentic and doesn't do things just to gain your approval How do you build connection? There are ma...