Gentle Parenting

Here are some typical ways we tend to interact with children -     Kid: I hate you! Parent: You should never say that to me! I'm your parent and only mean good. Kid (crying after school): A called me poopy head and said she won't play with me anymore. Parent: Don't play with A tomorrow. Next time, say something back. Find other friends. Kid: I hate B. She's so little. Parent: Don't say that! You're bigger and you should take care of her. Kid: Why can't we see God? How do you know he exists? Parent: <long answer about God and religion> Kid (has a tantrum and cries) Parent: No crying. There's no point crying over this! This is why I'm saying no... Parent: Clean up your toys. Kid: No! Parent: No saying 'no'. I never spoke this way to my mom! Kid: I don't want to get in the pool. I'm scared. Parent: Don't be. There's nothing to be scared of. You may ask what's wrong with the above responses. Did you notice how in each of...

I see many questions like this in the parenting groups that I'm a part of: "My child won't stop hitting", "He keeps reaching for the plug points even after being told not to", "She doesn't let us turn off the lights at night" "She wanted to see her Grandma in the middle of the night, and wouldn't take no for an answer". Sometimes these questions are followed by "No amount of talking/explaining is helping".  When our kids don't comply and we still keep repeating/explaining ourselves, they aren't the only ones who aren't 'listening'. My child won't listen! To be able to help your child with his behavior, hold boundaries respectfully and respond to him in a way that's gentle and effective, it's important to understand developmental stages, underdeveloped skills, and the basic workings of a child's brain. Little ones have an immature prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain resp...

Gentle Parenting and Authoritarian Parenting   What is Authoritarian Parenting? The following methods come under Authoritarian Parenting: Spanking Yelling Timeouts and other punishments Rewards Threats Withdrawing attention/privileges Ignoring tantrums Harsh/stern tone of voice Pitfalls of Authoritarian-style Parenting -- Child learns to comply out of fear of disapproval/punishment or hope for approval/reward rather than the right/moral reasons. -- It doesn't set up the child to do the right thing when a parent or an authority figure isn't around. -- It aims to fix behavior without considering unmet needs, developmental stages and undeveloped skills. -- Methods pit the parent against the child (hence straining the relationship).   -- Methods use kids' vulnerability against them. -- Parent doesn't model respect, empathy, compassion, emotional regulation, or the desired behavior.  -- It drains the child's intrinsic motivation and makes her self-centered, since her foc...

Gentle Parenting and Permissive Parenting What Gentle Parenting is NOT: Lack of or unclear limits/boundaries Giving in to a child's demands to avoid tantrums Distracting a child from difficult behavior (such as hitting) Ignoring/tolerating difficult behavior Lying or tricking a child into complying (or otherwise  finding a way to dodge your child's reaction and avoid taking responsibility for setting a limit) Repeating yourself to a child that isn't listening, without following through with a limit Putting the onus on a child to listen and follow directions What's wrong with permissive parenting? It puts the child in charge and entrusts him with responsibility that he isn't ready for. It doesn't teach boundaries. It doesn't teach your child to cope with disappointment, frustration, or life not going his way. It makes for a demanding, unhappy, out-of-control and unsettled child with a full "emotional backpack" (lots of pent-up feelings). It makes fo...

My stand against the "I was spanked but turned out fine" fallacy: If we think it's okay to spank and overpower a little child, we did NOT turn out fine. If we don't/didn't hold grudges against our parents for hitting us, it's because we formed insecure attachment patterns, were conditioned to believe that we deserved it, that our feelings didn't matter, that we wouldn't be good people if not fearful, that it was okay for someone bigger to use their might against us and violate our body autonomy to control us. All these are indicators of psychological abuse. Also, consider the following questions: I'm sure you have heard of the saying "Might is not right". Is it fair to use our mightier position as parents to subdue a small, vulnerable child who can't fend for herself? Would you hit your spouse/parents when they don't listen to you? Of course not! Why? Because they'd probably hit you back, push you away or make sure you suffer ...